


The Darkness deepens; Force, with me abide.

by IllyanaA



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag: Shroud of Darkness, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 03:29:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6221839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllyanaA/pseuds/IllyanaA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The events on the Temple on Lothal have rattled him to the core, deeper than he wants to admit even to himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Darkness deepens; Force, with me abide.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm supposed to be writing another fic, *cough*, but I had to spew this out on paper because it's been nagging at me since last week.  
> This took a darker turn than I was hoping.  
> Spoilers ahead, and this will probably become AUish in the coming weeks.

It’s been years since he’s done this. He made space in his room when they first arrived back from Lothal, and quietly let Hera know he needed to be alone for a while. Stripping down to a pair of sleep-pants, he sinks himself into the Force, working through a basic form of moving meditation. He runs through the forms over and over, concentrating on each specific movement and the way they flow into each other. Despite his efforts to calm himself, he’s failing. The goal of these meditations is to work through the forms repeatedly until the Jedi can regain their center, but with each repetition, the only thing he feels is more and more anxious.

Sweating, exhausted, he sinks down to his knees on the floor in a more traditional meditative stance. His hair has slipped out of its tie and fallen down around his shoulders and into eyes, and for that, he is grateful. If someone were to enter now, they wouldn’t see the tangled net of emotions on his face. There are so many thoughts running through him right now, and not for the first time, he wishes his Master were here to help him work through it.

_But you’re no longer a Padawan, Caleb Dume. You’re a Knight in your own right, and you are better than this._

He releases another breath. His initial shock and cautious excitement upon receiving his Knighting has worn off. Now a sadness lingers. He wishes it could have been Master Billaba who had given him his rank. If he thinks long enough, he can input the sound of her voice over the words the Inquisitor spoke. He feels inadequate, unworthy, but if he shares these fears with anyone, it would eventually get back to Ezra, who would learn that his “Master” had been only a Padawan himself when he began teaching him. The boy doesn’t appreciate being lied to, and Kanan’s not sure what that knowledge would do to their relationship. The Inquisitor’s warning echoes through his mind like a broken protocol droid, so Kanan is going to do everything he can to ensure that if the time comes, Ezra will make the right decision. And trusting his Master is the first step in doing so. An unwelcome image of his student's blue eyes fading to yellow flashes in his mind, and he pushes that thought away as quickly as it comes, reaching out into the Force again for comfort. 

He feels a shift in the Force, and notices that Ahsoka has sunk into mediation as well. She’s been awfully quiet since their return from the Temple, and he can’t quite figure out if Ezra’s revelation of Malachor is what’s bothering her, or if it’s what she saw in the Temple.

 _Malachor._ Just thinking the word sends chills up his spine. Every student has heard the of the horrors of Sith worlds and what the Dark Side corruption does to the mind of a Jedi that enters one. He remembers hearing rumors of what happened when Master Kenobi went to a Sith world,  and he saw him in the Healer's Ward afterward. He was in terrible shape, and he felt so _wrong._ He dreads setting foot on that world, and he is terrified for Ezra. Sending his Padawan to a planet controlled by the Sith is not something he's looking forward to, but Master Yoda gave Ezra the instructions, meaning he must be among the ones who go. Kanan is prepared to loose Ezra to death, but he is not prepared to loose him to the Dark Side. 

He feels a tug on the edges of his mind from Ahsoka, a gentle summons. He grabs a loose shirt and throws it on, before heading to meet her in the main room. He finds her kneeling on a blanket near the wall in the main room. She looks worse for wear and drained. And without opening her eyes she asks him a question as soon as he enters the room. 

"If you found out your former master was alive after all these years, how would you feel?"

She doesn't add anything more, but he can tell that isn't all of her question. Still, he answers, "There aren't words. I imagine I would feel how Ezra would have felt if he'd found his parents alive."

"What if they had done something horrible? What then?"

He sits next to her on the floor then, noticing the two cups of caf she'd set down between them. "Ahsoka, my master had a brush with the Dark Side that was so hard on her mind it put her in a coma for six standard months. I don't know what she did when she touched it, but I can't imagine it was good. I watched her deal with the fallout from it when I first started training with her. Nothing you say will surprise me, so please, stop dancing around the issue and tell me what's bothering you."

She is silent, and for a moment Kanan wonders if he's said too much. She looks up at him and smiles sadly. "I remember you now. I remember how concerned Master Obi-Wan and the Council were about her recovery. But, Caleb," and hearing his old name spoken is more of a shock than it should be, "trust me when I tell you, you won't be prepared for this."

He gives her a look that says: _Try me._ And so she does, and he wishes he hadn't pushed her at all.

"Anakin Skywalker is Darth Vader. He is responsible for _everything_. The deaths of the Order, the downfall of the Republic. And Kanan, I'm worried about what we'll find on Malachor, not what we'll find physically, but we'll find in ourselves. There is darkness in all three of us, there is darkness woven in the line of those who trained us, and I wonder if we'll be strong enough combat that ugly truth."

Neither of them say anything after her confession. Kanan picks up his cup and sits in silence with her, both of them dealing with their shared fear. He leans back against the metal walls, feeling the hum of the Ghost rattle through his body. The image of blue eyes turned yellow flashes across his mind again. Softly, quietly, he reaches out and brushes Ezra with his presence for reassurance. He finds him sound asleep, still whole, still Light, still here. He feels better with Ahsoka here; she has knowledge he doesn't have about their upcoming trial. Together they will deal with whatever comes at them when the time comes, and hopefully the three of them will be enough. But Kanan can't ignore the nauseous pit that grows in his stomach or the feeling a dread that's settling in his bones. 

Malachor would be dangerous for them all, and he knows with dreadful certainty that none of them will leave that place the same way they came. 


End file.
